Amie's* silent rebellion began innocently when in the spring of 1999, at the age of 12, weighing 117 pounds, she decided that she wanted to eat a little healthier. As part of this health kick, she eliminated chocolate, chips and junk food from her diet. She was delighted when she lost a few pounds and absolutely thrilled when everyone noticed. Her parents and family thought it was just great that Amie was becoming more health conscious.

About this time Amie attended a Thirty Hour Famine to raise money for 3rd World Countries which served as her introduction to starving. "It gave me a sense of accomplishment to know that I had the self-discipline to endure the fast," explained Amie. "It was like overcoming a challenge."

Now more committed than ever, Amie cut protein from her diet and became a vegetarian. She lost more weight, but still it wasn't enough. Gradually, Amie started dropping entire food groups from her mealplan. "I thought it was so amazing that I could lose weight so easily. I felt so in control," recalled Amie. "At first, I was scared of gaining the weight back. Then I wanted to see how far I could push myself. It was the ultimate challenge."

By this time, Amie's parents had become concerned that their daughter's determination to lose weight was more than just a typical teenage diet. Their fears were substantiated later that summer when they picked her up from camp. "She looked emaciated, her bones stuck out and her fragile body was all bruised from windsurfing. I knew we needed help desperately, but I had no idea where to turn," recalled Amie's mom.

How could a teenage diet go so out of control? "You have preconceived ideas about who these types of disorders can affect, but it can happen to anyone. In our case, it was a collision of events and personality traits. Amie is a perfectionist, very determined and bright - always such a good kid, " explained Amie's mom. "We never saw it coming. We didn't recognize the signs."

Things went from bad to worse when Amie stopped eating and started to hide it. She would skip lunch and then try to miss dinner. "She'd make up all kinds of excuses like `I had a big lunch'. I tried tempting her with her favourite foods. I even tried to force her to eat --but nothing worked," explained her mom. "That summer was hell for all of us. It became a real power struggle. We'd just end up with these horrendous fights."

Amie was in denial. Although, she kept telling her mom she could eat whenever she wanted to- deep down, she knew that it wasn't true. "Food was all I could think and talk about. I used to pour over the cookbooks for hours- especially the pictures. I even dreamed about food. I was so hungry… all the time."

"I didn't want to be `just' ordinary. I wanted my own thing. Because of my low self-esteem, I did not like who I was, the way I acted or what I looked like. Dieting became my identity. It was the one thing in my life that I felt I could exert control over. It was my silent rebellion- my way of dealing with things that bothered me and getting attention and sympathy from the people around me," explained Amie.

"Your mind starts playing games with you. Your body image gets distorted, and you start hearing a voice arguing with you not to eat. No matter how low my weight was, when I looked in the mirror, I did not like my reflection, "explained Amie. "I was constantly comparing myself to others, especially the "perfect images" of the models and stars I saw on magazine covers and I just couldn't measure up.

Inside, Amie was in constant turmoil. "If I ate, I felt like a failure and if I didn't , I felt hungry and frustrated."explained Amie. " I became very depressed and anxious. My life was gone and for that I was sad."

By the time she was admitted to the Hospital For Sick Children in Toronto, that summer, Amie had lost 42 pounds, her temperature and pulse rate had both dropped drastically, and she had an irregular heart beat. She was totally withdrawn from her family and friends. "I had no energy and I felt like I had no life. I didn't care about anything, except food and losing weight."

"Thank God for Sick Kids. They were the ones who kept her alive and for that I will always be grateful," said Amie's Mom. "She was force fed through an eating tube in order to get her out of the danger zone."

But, it was a long hard road back to recovery. While Amie started coming home for visits with her eating tube, these first visits were really rough for both her and family. "It was an emotional roller coaster. Just when it looked like she was making real progress she'd have a relapse and she'd have to be re-admitted," recalled her mom.

"After a certain point, I found being around other anorexic girls wasn't helping me. We were actually labeled "anorexic" and this gave our "cause" more strength. Our own sick little world," explained Amie. "Our disorder became a competition amongst us. Who was the sickest? Who had the strongest willpower? Who could fight off food the longest? We made each other worse," explained Amie. "Death was our victory," continued Amie. "Even now when I see a picture of an anorexic person, part of me feels like a failure, for not being strong enough to stick it out."

At this point Amie realized that she had outgrown the program at the Hospital For Sick Children. She and her family were also finding it very difficult to go in and out of Toronto twice a week for counseling. Mary and her family heard about the Eating Disorders Program at the Oakville site of Halton Healthcare Services, which was then in its 2nd year of operation, from Dr. Hie, her paediatrician at Sick Kids.

Amie decided to transfer to the Halton Healthcare Services Program at Oakville-Trafalgar Memorial Hospital(OTMH) in the summer of 2000 and by Christmas of that year, she reached a turning point. "The program here works on an outpatient basis and it is geared towards young adults. They work with you one on one so you have role models who have healthy attitudes, not skewed ones," explained Amie. "The program isn't authoritarian so I feel free to express myself. Once I realized that I had choices it was very empowering."

Amie now sees a physician, a nutritionist, a psychiatrist and an occupational therapist on a regular basis. This multi-disciplinary team can call in any health professional who may be of assistance as needed. "I feel comfortable with the program and I feel that I am developing good solid relationships with these professionals."

"I had literally lost my personality and I'm working to get it back, but it is still both painful and disturbing," explained Amie. "I no longer feel that I have control and for me that's very scary. At times, I still think 'If only I had worked harder at it' but I know it's just the mindset of the disease. I have learned to recognize the voice of the eating disorder and I can now muster the strength to reject it-but I am still constantly having to fight myself just to eat."

While Amie is not totally recovered, she is well on her way. "With counseling and help from the HHS Eating Disorders Program, I am dealing with the psychological pain that I was numbing by starving myself. I now realize that the model-type body I was so desperately striving for is very unhealthy and totally unrealistic. It's what's inside that counts."

Amie is becoming more active and she is reaching out to both friends and family. She is learning to focus on her strengths and on the positive things like her art, schoolwork and relationships. " I am finally doing things on my terms. I am taking baby steps, but I am celebrating each one. I am determined to make this work. I want my life back!"

Amie* - The name of the girl featured in this article has been changed in order to protect her identity.